I Cheat on my Wife...And It's Her Fault!

“The problem is that once a woman hears the two words ‘I do’, her attitude changes” he said to me matter-of-factly in response to my question “why do you think men cheat on their wives?” I was having this interesting conversation with Mr. Brian (not his real name) who had been married for over 15 years and well…has apparently had his fair share of extra-marital affairs. For me, this was an opportunity to take a walk in the mind of a type of man many of us are quick to judge – the cheating spouse. While I do not agree with everything Mr. Brian said, he made a number of valid points that I’d like to share.

Of course he places 80% of the blame of the cheating husband on the woman. His premise is that once a man marries a woman, the woman’s attitude changes because she believes she has conquered him. She often abandons the precedents that she had set before marriage, forgetting that those old habits were the very reason the man married her.

In his wife’s case for instance, before they got married, she would go out of way to make sure that every strand of her hair was in place, all for him. But now she hardly even cares to look good for him anymore. In fact, typically, she would rush out of their house in the morning looking unkempt, do her make-up and hair in her car just before she steps out to meet the rest of the world, and by the time she’s on her way home in the evening, her hair is disheveled again, her face is oily from the day’s stress, and she’s taken off her jewelry for comfort on the long ride home. She forgets that her husband is the one person in the world who needs to see her looking her best as often as possible. It’s as if she takes it for granted that her husband should ALWAYS FIND HER ATTRATIVE, afterall, they’re married.

His wife who used to wait on him hand and foot before they got married can hardly find the time to even fix him a meal anymore. Instead he is left in care of the domestic help who serves him breakfast in bed, dressed up in his wife’s hand-me-down clothes. And he’s wondering to himself “is this some kind of sick joke?!”

The same woman who used to make out with him in odd places before they got married now feels insulted when he suggests that they sneak away and get naughty in the middle of a party, forgetting that her naughty side was one of the very things that attracted him to her in the first place. In fact, this prudish attitude is carried over to their sexual life where a suggestion from him that they try a new “position” earns him the sharp end of her tongue. Her typical response would be “Don’t try all those styles you do with all those small girls outside with me o!” Sex therefore has become a routine as it only happens under the covers with the lights off.

Mr. Brian went on to tell me how he is always amazed whenever he hears a woman say that her husband hasn’t touched her in years. If the man doesn’t make the first move, shouldn’t the woman take the initiative? After all, only a few men can resist a carefully planned seduction scheme by their wives.

He also mentioned that contrary to what most women believe, the average man does not cheat simply because of libido or the need to satisfy a sexual desire. In fact, the initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and emotions, often brought about by something they share with these new women that they do not have with their wives anymore. It could be communication, acceptance or simply fun and laughter. That is why 50-75 percent of extramarital affairs take place in the work place as more time is spent at the work than at home.

Of course I’m not an authority in marriage counseling in any way but here is my humble opinion. While I do not totally agree with all of the things Mr. Brian said, I realized that there are a lot of things that we women take for granted and often make the difference between a healthy marriage and an unhealthy one. For instance, under no circumstances should we set a precedence that can’t be continued after marriage. Don’t go visiting the man’s mother every weekend bearing gifts if you know you won’t be able to maintain that habit after marriage. Many women make the mistake of selling an impression of themselves to a man that is not a true reflection of their real selves only for their true natures to show up after marriage. Don’t pretend to be a carefree and playful person around him if who you really are, is a reserved person. Others take for granted those simple moments of sharing, communication, laughter, friendship, devoting so much time and attention to the children, jobs and house-keeping. While all these are important, devotion of too much energy to them shouldn’t be the reason the home is torn apart. And to the men, even if you feel dissatisfaction with your wife in a gazillion ways, cheating on her will not solve the problem. If anything, it will only make it worse.

That being said, some men still cheat on their wives, regardless of how “perfect” things are in the home. What then does a woman do in this case? Do you agree with Mr. Brian that the woman holds the aces when it comes to keeping a leash on her husband's polygamous tendencies? Even if one’s wife is failing in certain regard, isn’t there a way to communicate her lapses to her rather than seek solace in a strange woman’s arms? Should a man cheat on his wife FOR ANY REASON? Dear reader, let me know your thoughts.